The Blue Power
Ranger Sucks
Hey remember when Power Rangers used to be awesome? Well wait, back then they went by a different name. When I watched Power Rangers it was called Voltron. Sadly, this now (hopefully) defunct television show brainwashed little (now teenage) kids and made them forget their history. Ask anyone 16 and younger if they can name a show where a bunch of smaller robots came together to form one giant one. Now, there are two correct answers to this: 1.) Devastator or 2.) Voltron. However, I bet 97% of the kids you’d survey would fail to mention either of them or worse yet, even know who they are. This is alarming considering how great Transformers and Voltron were/are. Unfortunately I had a cousin who was head over heels obsessed with the Power Rangers when she was about 8 (she just recently turned 16). On a family vacation I was forced to sit through endless conversations about the show and had to endure a few episodes. This brings me to my present point: Nobody ever liked the Blue Power Ranger.
This guy really pissed me off. My hatred for him grew with each successive episode. It wasn't till years later that I understood why though. On a fluke trip to Wal-Mart I was perusing the toy section since it never gets old and came across some Power Rangers "action figures". My temper spiked as I realized that this anal wart came along and ruined my favorite color. Blue. It's every guy's favorite. Think of your childhood and how many great memories are associated with blue: Soundwave, Frosted Flakes, Skeletor, Panthro, and Cobra Commander. Well, ok, think of my childhood and what I believe represents blue. That’s a fucking all-star cast right there. To quote Soundwave, "These things: superior. Blue Power Ranger: inferior."
The BPR wasn't done though. As an added measure of homo-ocity he chose the Triceratops to be his representative robot. Wow. How fitting. Seriously, nobody likes Triceratops. Any little kid (or I) will tell you Triceratops sucks. Everybody goes for T-Rex first and for obvious reasons. The T-Rex doesn't put up with shit. The T-Rex will fucking eat your face off without thinking twice. The triceratops will…um, eat grass and generally be overtly gay. Basically picking the Triceratops as your favorite dinosaur is like picking the thimble in Monopoly. Everybody picks the car in Monopoly just like everyone picks T-Rex. If you don't, you're a submissive twat. BPR also wore overalls. I like to think that somewhere the Coen Brothers tackled the issue in a deleted scene from The Big Lebowski:
The Dude: Overalls.
Jesus Quintana: You said it mang. Nobody fuckin' wears overalls.
Walter Sobchak: [Quietly to The Dude] Overalls, Dude.
Strike three, BPR. You wore overalls, you picked the worst possible dinosaur, and you utterly tainted my favorite color. Using the ever trusted IMDB.com, I came across the BPR's true identity. David Yost played Billy Cranston/Blue Ranger. He was so awful he was only given one solo line in the entire Memorable Quotes section: Billy: "Why am I hanging out with the intellectually challenged?" If you can't already tell, the BPR was the "dork" of the bunch a la Michael Anthony Hall in The Breakfast Club. Except if I remember correctly at the time in real life he was plowing Molly Ringwald who despite her ginger heritage, was a hot 80’s commodity. He also did Weird Science and at least felt some panties in Sixteen Candles. What have you done Blue Power Ranger? NOTHING. The BPR banged no one. Ever. Except maybe the triceratops robot with his overalls crumpled around his ankles. He was so lame he couldn't even follow the racist/sexist color scheme the Power Rangers employed. The black kid was the Black Power Ranger. The asian chick was the Yellow Power Ranger. The snotty bitch was the Pink Power Ranger. And then there's (wa wa waaaaa) the Blue Power Ranger. Weak. I wish Devastator or Voltron would come back and smash this idiot.
On a completely unrelated note, of the 3 episodes I had to watch, one of them contained the funniest one liner I've ever heard on any television program. Apparently the Power Rangers ripped off G.I. Joe and did the whole short moral bit at the conclusion of each episode. In this particular segment the fat cafeteria owner, Ernie, is wearing a ridiculously large Hawaiian shirt and gets approached by a random kid:
Random Kid: Hey Ernie, I used to have a shirt just like that...
Fat Ernie: Hey, thanks!
Random Kid: ...until my father got a job.
Fat Ernie:[Looks down but can't because of his double chins] Aww.
Hilarious. I've used that punch line countless number of times. Regardless though, Billy the Blue Power Ranger is an Ovaltine snorting dyke that violated the my favorite color. Fittingly, David Yost’s only role since then was in the made-for-TV movie After Diff'rent Strokes: When the Laughter Stopped. That'll teach you, asshole.
