Childhood Confusion
We all have questioned why the way things are at some point. Some choose to ponder the existence of time and space. Others devote their lives to contemplating the meaning of life. I’m not one of those people. In fact, the only people I know that come close to that are currently sitting on their couch laughing and eating fritos with red eyes. My questions are much more grounded, albeit just as fascinating. I've compiled a list of the five greatest quandaries I have faced in my 24 years on this planet. Before I continue, you might want to lay a tarp down just in case your head explodes at any point during this article. Without further ado, in reverse order, here are my 5 Childhood Questions:
5. Was Walt Disney a giant?
I know, I know, his vital statistics are listed all over the internet and any nerd in a costume on Main Street could rattle them off in one breath (trust me, I've worked there). But ever since I was a little boy the physical evidence always stumped me. Still don't see where I'm going with this? Well here, I took time out of my empty schedule to provide an example:
On the right we have the world’s most famous mouse. As stated he's standing next to Roy Disney, Walt's nephew. For argument's sake, let us pretend Roy is 6 feet tall. That would put Mickey right around there (if you count the ears). Using those statistics now look at the picture on the left, from "The Hub" on Main Street at Disney World. If Mickey is approximately 6 feet tall and only comes up to Walt's waistline, then we can make a conjecture that when he was alive, Walt Disney clocked in at around 12 feet tall. Seriously, think about that. His head would be above the rim on a regulation NBA hoop. He probably could've fought Godzilla and Mothra at the same time—ya know, if he wasn't too busy making millions of dollars.
4. What the hell happened to Man-At-Arms' mustache?
Unless you're a girl there is no way in hell you should even be questioning who I'm referring to with this question. If you didn't watch He-Man when you were growing up I flat out hate you. Moving on, for those of you who are still curious (or female), Man-At-Arms was He-Man's closest friend and ally. Besides being able to kick some major ass, Man-At-Arms sported the most intimidating moustache in cartoon history. This thing should’ve gotten it’s own spinoff, but alas, when the first action figures arrived I remember making this pitiful comparison:
It's like they're not even the same person. On the left we have a rugged, armor clad man (at-arms). To his right is some flute playing doppelganger with one cold upper lip. Without that kind of bristling warmth and protection I bet he just pees down his own leg. But why would Mattel do such a thing? Were they afraid a weak, naïve child’s brain would collapse on itself if he/she saw such a moustache? Did that extra stroke of brown paint prove to be too costly? Regardless, sources tell me there’s a new He-Man show on the air and this time around the Man-At-Arms action figure (God help you if you call it a doll) actually sports a worthy 'stache. Sorry, Mattel, you're about 20 years too late—what's done is done.
3. How can a pile of garbage be the voice of reason on a TV show, let alone talk at all?
I'll be the first to admit I wasn't the biggest fan of Fraggle Rock. It couldn’t hold a candle to shows like Transformers, He-Man, and G.I. Joe. But see, the amazing thing is shows like Fraggle Rock (along with The Smurfs, etc.) could thrive because children have no sense of reason. They take everything at face value and don't bother to ask questions. If you break it down, Fraggle Rock makes no sense. I don't feel like explaining the plot because it makes my head hurt but just trust me, it was an utter farce. What boggled my mind the most though was outside in the backyard there was a dirty, smelly pile of garbage. It just so happened to be alive. It even talked. In fact, it was the voice of reason on the show. I wish I were making this up. Would you ever take advice from a talking garbage pile? How did she become so scholarly? Did people throw away Time Magazine or The Wall Street Journal because it looks to me like a bunch of wrappers, bottles, and pieces of construction paper? Frankly, these are the things that have haunted me for years. I hate trying to dig some reason out of the unreasonable. It's a fucking pile of trash people...
2. Why did Fred always team up with Daphne and what were they doing?
First of all, I can't take credit for this question. Much like a family heirloom, this one's been passed down for generations. Nevertheless, it still makes for an intriguing argument. Obviously, Fred and Daphne were the Alphas of the Mystery Machine posse. Coincidentally, they were also the best looking (both fashion wise and physically speaking). However, when has a show ever strayed so far from it's leading and best looking characters? Look at any show on any network. The most beautiful/handsome ones are the main attraction(s). Hanna-Barbera bucked that trend as most episodes looked like this:
Albeit Scooby and Shaggy were the comic relief (that being the main point of a cartoon), they were also two bumbling slackers. Unfortunately for them, they were always stuck with uber-dyke Velma. With a name like that it’s a good thing she was able to solve every crime. I mean look at her; she’s like a brown Tootsie-Pop with an orange wrapper. You know what? Fuck it, I applaud you, Fred. Rock that neckerchief. Keep doing your thing man.
1. How come Megatron was so big as a robot, but able to transform into a handgun small enough for another Decepticon to wield?
This was the ultimate question of questions during my youth. It absolutely killed me as a child and continues to piss me off to this very day. Screw the writing, just look at the damn picture:
I can’t even begin to describe how/why this happens. What's worse, I don't even recall it ever being addressed. What, like we're just supposed to assume he’s able to shrink down to like 1/5th his own size when he becomes a gun? I mean hell, when he's a robot, the gun barrel runs the entire length of his arm. And yet he's able to miraculously reduce his own body mass and physical matter in order to become an ordinary firearm? Physics be damned, I can't even continue with this. It's mentally exhausting and makes me want to stab myself in the eyes with rusty forks.
