Nothing in this country seems to stir up a controversy quite like capital punishment. From its long and iniquitous past to its frighteningly imaginative methods (darkhorse favorite: Brazen Bull), the death penalty has always been an integral, albeit infamous part of our culture.
Sadly, it seems as though somewhere along the line feelings, sympathy, and three tons of Massengill products got in the way. How can anyone sympathize with a criminal who is sentenced to death for a horrendous crime? I can’t fucking stand the idiots in this country who declare that it’s “inhumane” to put an inmate to death when said inmate has, for example, killed, raped, molested, eaten, hacked, slashed, or smashed another member of society. I bet those same sympathizers haven’t lost a loved one by the manner in which the victim’s families have. What’s worse is the outcry over the method(s) of execution for criminals in our beloved nation. Apparently electrocuting or hanging is just too painful for a mass murderer; nay, we have to daintily sedate them and then put them to sleep like an old pet or grandma. Are you fucking kidding me?
Speaking of those insufferable wieners out there protesting the death penalty, there’s this notion that it costs more to kill an inmate than it does to house him for life. This is simply not true. While that scenario does play out in some cases, it can be statistically shown that overall it is cheaper to enforce the death penalty. In an article written for Pro Death Penalty, Dudley Sharp puts forth the following equation:
| Cost of Life Without Parole: Cases Equivalent To Death Penalty Cases |
Cost of Death Penalty Cases | ||
| 1. $34,200/year (1) for 50 years (2), at a 2% (3) annual cost increase, plus $75,000 (4) for trial & appeals | = $3.01 million | $60,000/year (1) for 6 years (5), at a 2% (3) annual cost increase, plus $1.5 million (4) for trial & appeals | = $1.88 million |
| 2. Same, except 3% (3) | = $4.04 million | Same, except 3% (3) | = $1.89 million |
| 3. Same, except 4% (3) | = $5.53 million | Same, except 4% (3) | = $1.91 million |
Although this article was written nearly ten years ago, one can assume the prices have skyrocketed on both sides of the equation (as illustrated in the bottom comparison). You can read the entire article (with sources) here. For a list of other common misconceptions about the death penalty, click here
With that out of the way, we can finally move on to the good stuff. No more bitching about an inmate’s suffering. Bring back the Guillotine, The Rack, the Firing Squad, and The Wheel. Give me garroting, crucifixion, impalement, or stoning. You know what, screw that; I’ll reach back in time and pull out a staple of Roman civilization. It’s high time executions were made public again. It’s time to combine the pageantry of sport with the imminent threat of death. It’s time for Convict Maximus.
EVENT GUIDELINES
- Location- Much like the Super Bowl, Convict Maximus will only be held in sporting venues that share a warm climate all year round or have a covered/domed roof in place. Such locations include: Dallas, San Diego, Los Angeles (since Oakland is a wasteland), New Orleans, and Miami. However, a special exception to include The Big House, The Horseshoe, and Beaver Stadium will be put in place for blockbuster capacity events. Nothing says "We thirst for blood!" quite like 100,000 drunk midwestern yokels.
- Revenue- 50% of ticket sales will go to the federal government, 25% will go to the respective state government(s), 10% goes to the stadium (in addition to all merchandise and concession sales), 10% will go to the respective victim(s) families (if applicable), and the final 5% will be divided amongst the investors, financiers, and corporate sponsors. No need for free agency or salary caps here! Everyone dies!
- Ticket Sales- All ticket prices will range from $75-$1,000 depending on location. No season tickets will be sold due to the fickle nature of the events. Families of the victim(s) receive advanced notice of each respective event in addition to front row seats and airfare to the destination (both up to five family members each) at no charge. Scalping is wholeheartedly encouraged.
- Alcohol Consumption- The beer keeps flowing as long as the blood does.
MATCH GUIDELINES
- Contestants- Two per match unless determined otherwise. Participants will be separated and grouped into similar divisions (ex. Rapists vs. Pedophiles, Murderers vs. Murderers, Everyone vs. Osama, etc.). When a contestant is incapacitated or killed, the "victor" will receive an obligatory victory lap and then be sacrificed to the scary "KALI MA!" guy from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
- Time- No limit. Kick your feet up and enjoy the carnage.
- Setup- Similar to dodgeball. Contestants will start at opposite ends of the arena with an array of weapons and armor spread along the midfield line. You get there first? You get the weapon.
- Weapons- As long as it doesn’t have bullets, it’ll be out there. This extends to homemade instruments as well (shanks, spiked bats, metal chairs, fake legs (!), etc.). If you make it, he will run. As an added bonus, specific cases may result in specific matches. For example, Albert Fish against Ed Gein in a Silverware Only match.
- Fan Participation- Encouraged and expected. Bring your 9V batteries, rotten vegetables, dog biscuits, whatever. As long as it’s not an explosive or a firearm, it can be thrown at the contestants. Fun for the whole family!
- Splash Zone- Similar to SeaWorld, the first 15 rows are designated as the "Splash Zone." Debris, organs, limbs, and/or fluids may come flying at you at any time so keep your head on a swivel. All items thrown or sent into the stands become property of the fan(s) that retrieve them. Souvenirs for all!
Seriously, who wouldn’t pay to go see two death row inmates try to annihilate one another? So what if it gets a rise out of the crowd? Why can’t we partake in some old-fashion afternoon entertainment? Hell, the Romans did pretty damn good for themselves and we look back on them with supreme reverence.
Come to think of it, Convict Maximus succeeds on multiple fronts and satisfies all parties involved. Both federal and state governments would make huge profits from ticket sales while we, as the consumer, would directly see how our tax money is being spent. In addition, two or more condemned prisoners would forever be removed from society, thus saving jail space as well as millions of dollars all while we sit back and soak in the gruesome spectacle.
At the very least, I think Convict Maximus could outdraw the fucking NHL, which is now apparently on the Lifetime Network. I say we hire Vince McMahon from the WWE to help in promotion and we’ll be all set. It will be like Gladiator, the Super Bowl, Boxing, and Mortal Kombat all rolled into one. Maybe we’ll even sell giant foam thumbs down fingers to encourage the carnage. Let’s make this a reality people. Get it done.
