Liquoracrates:
Drunken Ramblings
Hey everyone, I’ve consumed a lot of alcohol tonight; but unlike Terrell Owens, I’m pretty sure I am still coherent. Although I don’t have ‘25 million reasons to be alive,’ I do have about 17.89 reasons…which I spent on booze. Now, I’ve come to realize that alcohol tends to bring out my inner philosopher. I am what some might call an enlightened drunk. Once the liquor starts flowing, I begin to question the nature of things in our society. So in celebration of my intoxicated self-awareness, I would like to share with you some drunken observations, courtesy of Jack Daniels.
1. Was anyone else as thrilled or surprised as I was after seeing the Geico commercial with that guy who voices all the movie trailers? I mean that has to rank right up there with seeing Claw’s face on Inspector Gadget, right?
2. Even though I play Fantasy Football religiously, I still find something inherently wrong with having to secretly root against your favorite players if the person you’re playing that particular week has them on their team.
3. Honestly, had he not been assassinated, wouldn’t you have voted for David Palmer if he decided to run for President in real life?
4. Speaking of which, has anyone ever made a greater leap in acting history than Dennis Haysbert? He was Pedro Cerrano in Major League for fuck’s sake! He prayed to Jobu!
5. Do The Facebook creators hate Tom and his Myspace minions? Do you think they’re secretly plotting revenge or going on one another’s site and leaving nasty messages or posting bulletins under assumed names?
6. Have you ever realized that our kids will have never seen Michael Jordan play basketball? We’re going to have to defend his honor when they get cocky and protest that Dwayne Wade, etc. are the greatest players ever.
7. How fucked up is it that I’m 2 years removed from college and still find myself yelling at the television when something happens on Laguna Beach or Two-A-Days?
8. My 8th grade science teacher once broke down the makeup of Gatorade and we learned it has the same chemical composition as human sweat. In other words it’s flavored human sweat with some sweetener added. Some things you just never forget…
9. Attention Houston Texans: You are all really, really, REALLY fucking stupid...Mario Williams, are you serious? Reggie was there for the taking! [Ed. Note: It's been over a year since I wrote this and as always...I'm an idiot.]
10. Ten years from now when kids will be playing hands-free, completely interactive, virtual reality video games, I’ll still be worshiping 8-bit NES Mario.
11. Is it just a huge case of irony that Stephen Hawking was smart enough to come up with theories proving the existence of black holes and yet he can’t come up with the means to walk?
12. In other news, who wants to join me in Hell?
13. Do you think Jeff Hostetler is patiently waiting by his phone for Art Shell to call?
14. Have you realized since we’ve grown up with rap music, that’s what we’ll be listening to when we’re 93 and living in a nursing home? We'll be trying to explain to our great-grandkids how much of a ho their great-grandmother was.
15. In case you were wondering, I live in a large apartment with a bunch of roommates and was forced to shit in a trashcan last week because all of the bathrooms were occupied. I felt compelled to let you all know that…
16. I hate Ryu from Street Fighter 2 and consider myself a diehard Guile loyalist. I was also never able to pull off Zangief’s 360 piledriver. Fuck that move.
17. Why is it every single time I go to the beach, I always forget to bring Alka-Seltzer to feed to the seagulls?
18. Is it just me, or was the Razor's Edge the coolest move in WWF history?
19. Hands down, the Burger King mascot is the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen on television. I seriously have to avert my eyes when those commercials come on.
20. Why is it so many people fuck up the usage of “your” and “you’re”? I’m steadily turning into a Grammar Nazi.
21. Whose sick fucking joke was it to have naptime in preschool and kindergarten when none of us were ever tired? And now I would pray to the heavens and sell my bodily organs to have naptime at work and I get nothing. Sometimes Earth is a cruel bitch.
22. Has there ever been a more intimidating movie character than Clubber Lang? Deaaaaaad meat.
23. Even though I’m not a Colts fan, I find it really sad that vaginal warts like Randy Moss and Terrell Owens get more attention than Marvin Harrison who keeps his mouth shut and is statistically the best receiver since Jerry Rice. [Ed. Note: Forget I ever mentioned Moss now that he's a record-setting member of the home squad.]
24. Speaking of statistics, there has to be at least one gay athlete in the NFL and my money’s on J.P. Losman.
25. I dare you to find a child from the 80’s who didn’t feel like their heart was ripped out when Optimus Prime died in Transformers: The Movie. I triple dog dare you.
26. The kid from A Christmas Story really nailed it in The Dirt Bike Kid.
27. Complete toss-up question: Who is more annoying, the Oxy-Clean/Kaboom guy (Billy Mays) or Jared from Subway?
28. As much as it pains me to say, the United States officially sucks at every single sport when it comes to international play. Golf, basketball (both sexes), soccer, baseball, and hockey—you name it, we blow at it. What the fuck is going on here? We’re the U.S. F’n A.
29. "Grapefall" will never ever NOT be funny. Ever. And thank the YouTube Gods for remixes like this.
30. Lisa Simpson and Meg Griffin should fight to the death. The winner gets to be stabbed by me.
31. Speaking of the FOX Network, I’m convinced I’ll end up suing them when my 65-year old father croaks after a 24-induced heart attack.
32. Who else thinks it’s going to be really awkward explaining to our grandchildren how cool Michael Jackson used to be?
33. I’m convinced everything sounds funnier in the Sol Rosenberg/Mort Goldman voice.
34. Men should not be allowed, by law, to drive Volkswagen Beetles.
35. Do birds pee?
36. With the exception of Eminem, is it a prerequisite for all white guys that like rap to sport chinstrap beards?
37. Has there been a bigger letdown in a movie than finally seeing Darth Vader’s face? Seriously, THAT cool of a voice and THAT is what he looks like? Weak, dude, weak.
38. Yup, the Texans are still fucking stupid. Very fucking stupid. [Ed. Note: I'm also the guy who thought Ryan Leaf would be better than Peyton Manning. Ughh I make a pathetic psychic].
39. Why do some guys, myself included, have brown hair and yet red facial hair? No one in my family (on either side) has ever had red hair. What is up with these bizarro ginger beards?
40. When I die, I hope the journey to heaven is like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Ya know, considering the brainiacs at Disney decided to replace it with the Winnie the Pooh ride. Laaaaaame.
41. Who else feels the need to punch people that dress up as doctors on Halloween? It's like the old sheet-as-a-ghost costume, but with an added dose of arrogance.
42. Can anyone name more than 2 members of SNL anymore? Anyone?
43. Jesus Christ on a bicycle, what the fuck is that thing on Frank Beamer’s neck?
44. The taxpayers in Gotham City must REALLY get pissed off considering their city is routinely destroyed by supervillians. I know it might sound cool, but would anyone ever want to live there? There’s like a 1 in 5 chance your part of the city might get leveled on a weekly basis.
45. I can’t stand people that use the phrase “same difference”. That makes no sense but it does make me want to shove a fork through their nose.
46. Is there anything that makes your mouth water like seeing your waitress bring a steaming plate of buffalo wings to the table?
47. I know I’m probably not alone in this, but is there anyone else out there who can’t tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi? Anybody? Bueller?
48. Considering he plays in L.A., now that Kobe Bryant has switched numbers to 24, does that mean it’s ok for Jack Bauer to shoot him? Please?
49. Did the metal scissors we used in kindergarten ever work? I just remember them bending the paper…complete and utter frustration.
50. In the category of “Things That Are Only Funny If They Aren’t Happening To You”, can anything top a kick in the nuts?
