Making Headway
Please, I beg of you, enough about Barry Bonds already. We all know he did steroids and every record he has or will set should be marked with an asterisk. That being said, there was a record Barry held that was unceremoniously shattered on March 31st, 2003. That record was “Largest Head In Professional Sports.” However, because Bonds’ massive cranium was most likely the result of all those performance enhancing drugs, I’ll put an asterisk next to that record as well. This is all a moot point though seeing as the record was broken over three years ago. But whom can we thank for this feat? Who will we have to bring in a crane to crown for this achievement? Well my friends look no further than left field in the house that Ruth Built--#55, Hideki Matsui.
Notice how this was one record Bonds didn’t mind conceding. No photo ops or awkward press conferences were necessary. The two probably squeezed into a vacant airplane hangar, had a quiet meal together, exchanged a plaque, and went their separate ways. Regardless of what transpired, Matsui seized (or blocked out) the spotlight and has relished in it ever since. That’s the real reason he came to New York. It wasn’t because he got tired of the Yomiuri Giants (3 MVPs, 3 Series Titles, 9 All-Star Games) or because of the short right field porch at Yankee Stadium. No friends, it was the allure of NYC; where he can walk down any back alley and finally find a hat that fits him or a turtleneck he can’t stretch out—for just $3.95.
Trust me, you don’t even have to use Google to locate him. Simply find which direction New York is relative to your whereabouts and stick your head out a window. You can’t miss him. Surprisingly, that’s not even his most alarming feature. What’s even more intriguing than the colossal weight north of his neck are his earlobes. Honestly, I can’t believe his ears are still attached to his head after lugging that kind of weight around. They’re like a 98 year old woman’s saggy tits. Now consider that these things look big on a head of epic dimensions and we’re talking grand scale lobage. But how did Matsui’s head reach such epic proportions? Being that I live in New England and am a diehard Red Sox fan, I was willing to undertake such a mission in pursuit of the truth. Therefore, I believe that any or all of the following explanations could serve to answer this intriguing enigma.
1. Exposure to Gamma Radiation
No, not the comic book situation; I’m talking the full on, real-life shit. Perhaps it was a genetic defect passed down by previous generations from nuclear fallout. Considering Matsui’s hometown of Kanazawa, Japan is just northeast of Hiroshima, this might be able to explain his award winning condition. Although not conclusive, there have been studies done by the Radiation Effects Research Foundation (RERF) that show that human genes were not as susceptible to ionizing radiation (when compared to that of laboratory animal testing). However, RERF goes on to caution: “The absence of a statistically significant effect of ionizing radiation on the frequency of major birth defects should not be construed as evidence that mutations were not induced by parental exposure to atomic radiation" (Health effects at Hiroshima, Nagasaki, 2001). Basically, it comes down to a matter of proximity, length of exposure, and a complete bias on my behalf to unmercifully ridicule this man into oblivion.
2. A Secret Love Affair
Although much more speculative than the previous explanation, one could imagine a scenario in which Matsui’s legendary affliction came about as the result of a passionate tryst. The way I envision it, following the Meiji Restoration, his great-great-great grandmother went abroad to Europe. Along the way she came across a traveling sideshow. It was there that she met the man whom she would have a white hot love affair with for the next two nights. The couple hadn’t even bothered to exchange names until the procession was about to move to the next destination. It was in that moment that the man revealed himself to her; he bent over and whispered, "I am Joseph Carey Merrick, but you can call me J.C. baby." From that point on it was just a matter of white lies and stashing whatever evidence remained. For his sake, I hope Matsui’s great-great-great grandfather isn’t reading this. Then again it’s been over 120 years and I’m pretty sure he can’t read English, so I think I’m in the clear.
3. Autism
Long since popularized in pop culture and through the concerted efforts of local sports heroes, Autism has many wide spread effects on the human body. Recently though, scientific studies conducted by Dr. Eric Courchesne (UCSD) have shown that this developmental disability can cause severe cranial/brain abnormalities in the early stages of childhood. Because of the excessive growth of "white matter" in the post-mortem tissue of the brain, these children tend to have irregularly large heads. Could this be the reason Hideki’s neck is so exhausted on a daily basis? Was it from a misdiagnosed case during his youth? I suppose it is a viable explanation for his quirky behavior. “His only eccentricity, if it can be called that, is his extensive private library of adult videos. His refreshing ability to laugh self-deprecatingly about his porno collection, reporters say, is one reason why fans and even non fans have taken to him so much. Says former reporter Isao Hirooka: "Hideki just wants to be like ordinary people" (TIME Magazine, 2002).
So what do we make of this transplanted "Godzilla"? With the legions of Japanese fans, bright lights of New York, and multi-million dollar endorsements, it’s pretty much a paradise for Hideki Matsui (unless you happen to be his neck muscles). Hell, in Japan they built a Boeing 747 with his likeness plastered on the side. Anyways, for you fellow Red Sox fans out there, I hope this has shed some light on the mystery. If nothing else, at least it explains why he plays left field like a drunk Helen Keller. Comparatively, he makes Manny look like Yaz or Teddy Ballgame. Either way, despite your fame, fortune, and ability, you still have the biggest head in professional sports. Congrats, you still suck.
