Shove It Up Your Wii-hole
by Willy
When I'm not wasting my time posting random rants on the internet or trying to outbid a trust fund baby on E-bay, I occasionally go to work at a major electronics chain. Let’s just call it "Estbay Uybay". I work in the media division, which puts me in charge of handling the video games section, seeing as my co-workers seem to be a pack of window lickers when it comes to gaming. At first it was mostly my job to be politely told to fuck off all day whilst I walked around and greeted customers. Naturally, I’ve come to realize when they say, "I'm all set. Thank you very much." It feels more like: "Go fuck yourself you blue shirt wearing asshole!"
But lately, my primary job function has become explaining that the nameless huge electronics chain I work for does not have any Nintendo Wiis and why. I get at least three or four calls an hour from people ranging from the age of 7-70 looking for the elusive Wiis. It has gotten to the point where my phone greeting has become. "**** *** media, we're sold out of Nintendo Wii. How can I help you?"
I spit out the direct to the point greeting, usually in a calm, easy to understand almost "commercial voice over guy" tone of voice. The response is usually, "Um... Do you have any Wii's?"
I take a breath and do the relaxation exercises my parole officer has recommended and reiterate,"No, we're sold out."
They continue to be dumbfounded and retort, "You are?"
A vain in my skull begins to pound. "Correct..."
They try and milk me for information I don't have, on account that **** *** employees have been hording the coveted devices because they know when the shipments arrive. Thus, I’m left knowing next to nothing, with even less information to share with the customer, which leads to the inevitable, "Are you getting a shipment today?"
This is when I dump my patented "You already know this, but I have to remind you every day because you accidentally did half a dozen hits of acid at once in 1986 at a Whitesnake concert, and your dumbass kids ask you every day for a Wii because they know this" explanation. Unfortunately, it comes out more like, "Not to my knowledge. I don't know when our next shipment is, we tend to get one shipment a month. I can't reserve any, as the list would be longer than Robert Downey Jr.'s arrest record (Outdated joke, I apologize). Honestly, your best bet is to just wait a couple of months for initial kinks in the distribution, and the console itself, to be worked out."
But as the day wears on, people ranging from children who wandered out of special ed. to adults who've wandered out of special ed. continue to hound me about every detail pertaining to the Nintendo Wii. Some of the Nintendo enthusiasts out there will blast me and claim that they're easy to get. Sure, they are easy to get, if you’re fucking someone who works at Nintendo, or you have some serious mob connections. The average schmuck is not going to wait six hours outside in the middle of the New England winter, months after the system has already been released, just to get some overrated video game system built for children and adults with low IQs.
I'd say the PS3 is better, which it is in theory. Unfortunately, the people at Sony are equally moronic and put out a video game system so advanced and so good that half of them don't work right, there were hardly any games released when the system launched, and costs more than an average schmuck's weekly pay. Accordingly the Wii is kicking PS3's ass in sales in many places…that is if you can find it. The Wii is only surviving on its own hype. Nintendo is milking the most basic principle of supply and demand: The less supply, the more demand. Nintendo wants you punching seventy-year-old grandmas in the kidneys to get one. You'll buy the system, fifty controllers, sixty memory cards, five copies of "Wii Play" and all the hyped up games you can find. But then, five months down the road when your arms are starting to cramp from swinging around 3 hours a day in absurd and unnatural ways, you'll wish you shelled out the six hundred for a PS3, ‘cause then you'd at least have a Blue Ray player to show for your troubles.
So word from the not-so-wise: Stop calling, we don't have any. Even if we did, we probably aren't allowed to tell you. We in the electronics shilling industry have already come up with a generic slur for these insatiable hordes: Wiitards. Nintendo lovers begin blasting me.....now!
(Note: Your Wii purchasing situation may vary greatly than what it is in Rhode Island. Please don't bitch if you live in Japan and have had one for 3 years. I frankly don't have the patience to deal with any jack-offs who decide to flame every post I put on the internet)
