Orange Tic Tacs
In a moment of sober clarity, I've come to realize how many people in this world have unhealthy addictions. Some people have drugs; some people have alcohol; some have sex; but me, my life-threatening obsession runs deeper than all of those combined. For years I let the urge fester inside of me. On the outside everything looked calm, cool, and collected but on the inside I was a raging maniac just waiting to get my next fix. So what is this addiction I cultivated over years of abuse? Orange Tic Tacs.
Remember when they used to serve honey-roasted peanuts on airplanes? Ok, now remember how you would’ve knifed someone and robbed a family member just to get some? Well take that obsession and multiply it by a number with a lot of zeros after it and you'll get a good idea of what these little orange demons have done to me. It got so bad at one point I actually asked for them for Christmas. What's worse, I actually found them in my stocking on Christmas Day and proceeded to eat the entire case in 3 hours. Seriously, what 7 year old asks for Orange Tic Tacs for Christmas? This guy, ladies, this guy.
Now, not to defend my own addiction, but what other Tic Tac even comes close to Orange? That's like asking who's the best athlete-turned-murderer. Sorry Rae Carruth, but it's obviously O.J. Whoa, O.J., Orange Tic Tacs...coincidence? Not really since one is an edible pseudo-candy breathmint and the other is a black guy who hacked up his wife, but it's still something to mull over. Anyways, the point is there's such a huge disparity between the orange ones and whatever other flavors they make that it's pointless to argue the supremacy of said Tic-Tac.
I strongly believe the Tic Tac Corporation knew what they were getting into when they first introduced such an intoxicating product to the masses in the late 1970s. However, to properly prepare Earth's population in order to prevent mass chaos (alliteration at it's finest), the TTC had to ease their orange hellion in by piggybacking it with everyone's favorite flavor, Lime. Listen, I didn't major in marketing or advertising, but I'm pretty sure nobody wants to suck on something lime-flavored unless it follows some form of Mexican alcohol. Regardless, despite their worst efforts, the entire planet caught the vapors and got hooked on these little orange bastards to the point where idiots like me popped them like Flintstones Vitamins (another nasty youthful addiction of mine).
Seeing as they are officially titled breathmints, I assume the normal procedure for Tic Tac consumption mirrors that of Nicole Ritchie's social life: use your tongue and suck till there's nothing left. Well you can just throw that fucking logic out the window when it comes to the orange ones. For starters, they don't seem as hard as the rest of the assorted Tic Tac line, leading me to believe the TTC realized people just skipped the waiting part of the Tic Tac experience and went right to the eating phase to get the maximum orange blast.
A second point of contention is that they don’t seem to have the bite (no pun intended) the other flavors do. Whereas Spearmint and Freshmint tend to sting a little as you extricate the breath freshening goodness, the Orange ones go down nice and smooth almost as if they knew no one would savor them long enough to necessitate this function.
Thirdly, umm, actually I don’t have a third point. Face it, these things were fucking candy; little fucking pieces of heaven wrapped up in the glowing warmth of citrus flavor. I love you Orange Tic Tacs, p.s. we should be together too.
