Potty Training and the Lack There-of
by Uber John
I have a toddler who seemingly just refuses to start using the potty. You can ask him where poop goes and he will take you to the toilet, but when it comes time to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, Bernie Kosar here chokes and we end up with diaper pudding. Now I can normally handle a baby's shitty diaper, but this kid's poop goes beyond just being cute little baby shit. His turds are like gigantic fudge dragons, with corn kernels for eyes, and a fiery, nauseating breath that burns your pupils. Hell, it leaves a taste in your mouth that will remain there for days, and destroys your sense of smell! The smell! Oh dear God the smell! The entire house smells like a fucking sewer when this kid dumps the proverbial load. So I figure the sooner I get him using the toilet, the sooner we can vanquish the fudge dragon by flushing him into the watery abyss. But he apparently has other plans.
I have another one with crapping issues as well. This one is older and has been using the potty for years now and should have it down. The other day I go into the bathroom to extract waste from my bladder and I lift the seat to find several brown trout swimming in the toilet. At this point you are probably saying, "Yeah so. Poop in the toilet where it is suppose to be." But it wasn't the poop that caught my attention, it was the lack of toilet paper that did. There was absolutely no toilet paper in the toilet. I checked the trash can next to the toilet to see if there was any skid marks left on any of the ply in there and found none. I called the child into the bathroom and politely reminded him that wiping your ass is probably the most important step in the bowel movement process. Hopefully I will never have to address this situation again, but I'm getting the sinking feeling it might come up.
It is a weird feeling when you have a child that you've cared for and taught the basic necessities of life fail at something like potty training. It makes me question how good I am at going to the potty. Sure I make it every time I have to go, unless I am heavily under the influence of alcohol. But when I get to the potty how good is my game in those clutch situations?
One potty flaw I have is I usually unzip, unbutton, and release the one-eyed snake while I am walking to the bathroom. Also, when I get there I flush the toilet and then I start to pee and I try to finish emptying my bladder before the toilet sucks all the water down. It's like a race-more exciting than track and takes less time to watch than Nascar. If there is yellow in the water, I lose. It's actually quite exciting to be honest. Although I can't count how many times I've stumbled into the bathroom in a sleepy daze or a drunken stupor and pissed all over the floor and toilet seat. Tickets to these races can be obtained through my MySpace homepage for any interested parties.
However, it's not just peeing that I suck at; I am also pretty shitty at… shitting. Sometimes I force the log through the canal too fast and it hits the water with extraordinary force, splashing toilet water all over my ass (Ed. Note: we call this the Frozen Fist). It is almost refreshing for a moment, sort-of like a bidet. Then you remember that other people dispose of their waste in there as well and all that shit is now on your ass. Can anyone say ass infection?
Have you ever blown your nose and the snot goes strait through the fucking tissue and all over your fucking hand? Well I think I maybe an over aggressive wiper, because there has been several occasions where I've been wiping my ass and the paper rips and I get the shitty stinkhand of doom (remember this story next time I invite you over for dinner). It used to deeply disturb me when this would happen, but now that I have like 12 kids I'm taking care of all the time, it's the least of my worries. I've taken a vomit shower, been pissed on, bleached shit stains off of underwear, washed countless blankets that were either A) covered in baby spit up OR B) drenched in pee. I'm routinely wrist-deep in shit pretty much everyday, and I have seen the disgusting miracle that is called birth three times! Thumbs up! What I'm trying to say is that a little bit of my own doo butter on my hand does not phase my psyche anymore.
The point I am trying to make here is that perhaps it is not the kids who are disappointing me with their potty mishaps but it is I that is disappointing the kids as a teacher. Maybe I am being hypocritical by trying to teach these children to use the toilet properly when I can barely do that myself and often times don't use it properly at all. Perhaps I am an under qualified potty trainer…
But the fact remains that not even attempting to wipe your ass is gross, not-to-mention lazy beyond belief, and the toddler's shit still stinks worse than Courtney Love's vagina probably looks. So I will keep working at it and one day they may be going potty at the space station, or taking a shit in an NFL locker room toilet, or even peeing in the White House's executive branch bathroom. Who knows, the sky's the limit with these kids. They have their whole lives ahead of them to pee and poop in interesting places.
