Sterilization 2.0
by Willy
I’ve mused on this idea before, so forgive me all twelve people that read my blog, but I think there’s something we need to do in our society. As you well know from science fiction movies and that twenty minutes of animal planet you watch to ease yourself into a mid-afternoon nap, evolution depends on those with unsuccessful genes, like mutants (not X-Men mutants, I’m talking Pauly Shore and Anne Coulter type mutants) who do not successfully mate. Basically, there are too many dimwits living long enough to deliver their tainted seed when they should’ve been axed years ago.
I propose that we begin enforcing evolution and prevent these people from reproducing their handicapable DNA. I know it may be a bit harsh, I agree. I’m anti-capital punishment, but I am pro-advancing of the species. It is this conundrum which brings me to another quandary. How would we stop them? How could we stop these short-bus riding miscreants from fucking?
We have two options and neither is pretty, but they could potentially be a big ol’ bag of fun—like teasing a homeless person with half a sandwich you’re too full to eat then feeding it to a dog or eating it while vowing to throw it up later just for the hell of it. What I do with my weekends aside, we’re faced with two options:
1. Sterilize the window lickers!
While we wouldn’t necessarily have to chop their gonads off or tinker with their woman parts, there are a few things we could do. For the men, we could send them to “Willy’s School of Awkward White Boy Dancing” (and trust me, after that their ass is never getting laid again). As for the ladies, we could just tell them that semen has a lot of carbs and that it’ll go straight to their thighs, although we might have to come up with a more stringent plan so as to eliminate midnight snacking.
2. Wax the fuckers!
Although this may be the more extreme of the two options, I believe it would likely be the most effective. Now if we just sterilize, they may still have options for adding branches to their dilapidated family tree. They could find a mad scientist hell-bent on stopping my quest for improving humanity; let’s name a random villain from the Superman comic books, for example, Brainiac. The evil Kryptonian robot thing, or whatever he is, may decide that in order to thwart humanity’s progress, he could help the jackasses of the world procreate by cloning them or making some kind of crazy Kryptonian test tube baby. I imagine the product would look something like that retarded elf disguising herself as an actress, Nicole Kidman.
Now that we’ve covered our two possible modes of coitus interruptus, we have to decide who must be stopped from squirting out babies. It’s a tough job but I think I’m prepared for it. Call me the Gene Pool Life Guard. I know images of me walking around in a red swimsuit, a splotch of sunscreen, a twelve-gauge shotgun, and a whistle may turn some of you Downs lovers on, but lets not get ahead of ourselves. I think it’s just best that we, and by “we” I mean “I”, carefully figure out whose biological flame must be extinguished. No time to lose, let’s get started.
1. Men who drive trucks for no reason and drive like a dick because Daddy said, "I love you" with his belt.
Let us give thanks for this specimen who one day, after looking at their insignificant crotch luggage, decided it was necessary fill the void by going to the auto dealer. Now I’m sure you love driving around in your giant phallic symbol at 85 in a 40 zone while getting six miles to the gallon, but there’s no reason to get on my ass in traffic because you have a very important Klan meeting and/or NASCAR barbeque to get to. I’m sure they’ll save you some wings. Ya know, I’m willing to wager a months pay that most of these taint lickers have absolutely no use for a vehicle with a bed in the back, except for maybe carting around their high school football-fueled gigantic egos, circa 1985.
2. People that are surprised that Best Buy doesn’t have any Nintendo Wiis.
Please refer to my prior article for an explanation if need be. I love beating dead horses but doing so here would be an exercise in absurdity.
3. Members of PETA.
I’m likely to stir up a stinky, hairy, hippy mess with this one, but fuck it. The average asshole with nothing better to do on their day off from work that goes to one of their rallies probably doesn’t know much about what this group of animal lovers (a profound understatement) actually stands for. Now we all know they’re against cruelty (in the form of pharmaceutical and cosmetic testing) which I don’t agree with, because you know, it’s either animals or humans, and fuck, I’m not volunteering. They don’t believe in eating meat, and they can REALLY go fuck themselves on that score. God gave me canines to tear apart the tiny beasts that have the misfortune of being below me in the food chain, but that’s common knowledge.
What most people don’t know is that they don’t believe in pets. That’s not to say they don’t believe in pets in the way I don’t believe in Santa Clause or the institution of marriage; I mean they don’t believe you should own an animal. You see, the end game for PETA is total animal liberation—as in equivalent rights under the constitution. To them, having a pet is cruel. If these psychos had their way, we would be eating celery all day, testing experimental drugs on homeless people, and having a cat would make you the equivalent of a slave owner. If you’re going to join a group and don’t take the time to find out what your group’s ultimate goal is, you don’t deserve to breathe. It’s as bad as a black dude joining the KKK or watching NASCAR because they like the colorful outfits. If you don’t believe me, ask Penn and Teller.
4. Guys that think its fucking cool to leave the brim of their baseball cap flat.
Oh snap mister white boy gangsta! You the coolest shiznit on the block because you’re copying some anal buccaneer that was too lazy to take the twenty fucking seconds to fix the brim to his liking then peel off the shiny sticker. I remember back in the day, if you were the goofy jackass of your group that didn’t care what you looked like, you’d leave the sticker on, put on a pair of aviators and as soon as a new person met you they would think, "Oh, he’s the crazy guy in the group." Fix the hat dickhead!
5. People that pretend they’re too good for television.
Okay mister cynical college professor wannabe. You try and pretend that you’re SOOO busy that you don’t have time to catch an episode of "World’s Worst Infant Chases Part XXV" I ain’t buying it. If you had time to pick out that tie with "I got a bad case of the Mondays" sprawled across it, you have time to catch the occasional rerun of Boy Meets World. I’m also tired of the implied superiority act inherent in this. These are the kids that think they’re super mature because they claim to have “grown out of video games”. It’s not my fault you couldn’t get past the 2nd level of Sonic the Hedgehog, don’t try and make me feel like an asshole.
So listen up you high and mighty intellectual fucks, I just got back from work and two classes back to back. I’m tired and I’m going to drink half a six pack and pass out watching Scrubs, South Park, and if I’m still up I’ll get my Colbert on courtesy of TIVO. And if you’re snooty ass thinks that there’s something wrong with that, you can get the hell out of the gene pool and leave the rest of the world alone. I’m fat, lazy and need to be in a perpetual state of entertainment. God bless America.
