The Day I Didn't Meet Britney Spears
Ilove Britney Spears
I'm not talking about in the box munching, nipple licking kind of way. I’m talking about in the most innocent, superficial way possible. She’s hot and she can dance. Well, she was hot…but that is another debate for another day.
Anyway, like I was saying – I love Britney Spears. I’ve loved her since 1999 when her music video for "(You Drive Me) Crazy" came out and she was dancing all over the place with Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All. In high school, I was voted "Most Likely to go on tour with Britney Spears". I was pregnant Britney last Halloween. I learned all her dance moves and whipped them out on every dance floor I came in contact with.
And then, one day, I had the opportunity to meet her!
One of the major selling points for going to college in New York City was the fact that I could go to Total Request Live every day if I wanted to. Yes, I suck at life. Before the end of my first semester freshman year, I had been on TRL three times. When you go, you fill out a form with your phone number and which celebrities you’d like to see in the future. Naturally, I put down Britney’s name, never expecting anything to come from it. However, when I got back to school for spring semester, TRL called to let me know that Britney would be on the show February 15th and I was being given tickets. That was the exact moment I shit my pants.
Being Valentine’s Day the day before, I obviously went out and got completely trashed with all of my other single girl friends. I spent the entire night and morning barfing rice out of my nose. The hangover was brutal…but it didn’t matter. I was going to shower, wipe the rice off my face, and become best friends forever with Britney in a matter of hours. February 15th was also the day that her cinematic masterpiece Crossroads was opening in theaters, so my friends and I headed to Times Square, bought the movie tickets ahead of time, and then went to MTV to get in line.
We stood waiting in line and watched as this very official woman handed out the coveted wristbands to get inside. She got closer and closer to us and I got more and more insanely happy. Finally she approved the two people in front of me.
And then she walked away.
SHE WALKED AWAY.
I almost shit my pants again, but then I thought maybe she was going to get more wristbands or something. There had to be a reason.
Oh, there was a reason all right. She returned five minutes later to notify everyone that Britney’s "people" had claimed the remaining fifty seats and that the rest of us would have to go home.
WHAT?!?!?!?!
I tried to ask her questions, tried to find out if there was any way to get inside. She ignored me and walked away again. And that’s when I finally lost it. I screamed after her "Fine you fucking bitch! Just walk away! FUCK YOU!" My embarrassed friends tried to calm me down, but it just got worse when they sent some ridiculous MTV peon down to talk to us and keep the situation calm. He had apologized profusely and told us all that we could come back again for any show we wanted. He went around the group of us asking what other celebrity we would like to see. Everyone happily obliged and listed off some lame celeb, but when he got to me I just yelled "BRITNEY. FUCKING. SPEARS." He took a deep breath, said okay and moved on to the next person. I continued to mutter crazy ramblings and to try to calm me down, he told us that Britney’s car from Crossroads was parked right out in Times Square and we could all stand with it for the show and take our pictures with it. Everyone seemed happy with that idea, except me...again. I felt the need to scream "I’D RATHER EAT MY OWN FUCKING SHIT AND DIE!" That statement scared MTV boy a little bit, so then he added that Britney was going to come down to the car during the show, and although we couldn’t be in the studio to meet her, we would meet her outside later on in the broadcast.
The Britney Gods were pleased with his offering, and I stopped spinning my head around and puking pea soup for two seconds to say thank you.
So, I went into the middle of Times Square and stood with the goddamn car. I stood and I stood and I stood. I think I knew deep down in my heart that MTV fag boy was lying to me to calm me down; but I secretly hoped everything would be okay.
Yeah...it wasn’t okay. At around video number six on the countdown I realized that I’d been had. Britney wasn’t coming. I immediately started to freak again and told my friends I just wanted to leave. We tried to get out of the barricaded area, but they had security there keeping us in. He told me I couldn’t get out until the next commercial. I told him that I was going to steal his soul and eat his children if he didn’t let me the fuck out.
He let me out.
The worst part is that we had already paid a million stupid dollars for our movie tickets, so we just had to walk around full of rage until the movie started. As we were waiting in the theater, all the assholes who got into TRL walked in. Everyone who had been in the audience got a free jacket AND free tickets to the movie. If we hadn’t stopped to buy the tickets ahead of time, we would have gotten to MTV earlier, gotten inside, AND gotten free tickets to the movie. If this hadn’t been just months after 9/11 and I hadn’t been in New York City, I would have gone Al-Qaeda on everyone’s asses. Jihad baby, one more time.
I’m not bitter though. Everything happens for a reason. Like, I’ve come to realize that I didn’t meet Britney Spears that day because I’m just too good looking. Britney would have seen me and immediately realized that she could never reach my pinnacle of awesomeness, even with all the money in the world. Luckily, she used that money to buy a wigger husband instead. HA. Who’s laughing now, Brit Brit?
(I’m sorry, Britney. I love you. I was just kidding. BFFs 4 EVER!!!! Call me, k?)
