The Girl Interrupted
by Roptimus Mime
Personally, I don't live the party lifestyle. More specifically, I am not the type to have a random hook-up with a girl. This probably originates from my Catholic School upbringing where ideals like being respectful get implanted into the brain at an early age and never leave. However, I do believe that by keeping my random sexual activity down, I would perhaps find a girl with the same ideals as me. I've found that by sticking to that belief, I won't be a hypocrite when I shout, "You slut!" at a girlfriend/ex-girlfriend/girlfriend's friends (NOT that I do that often, it's just nice to have the freedom).
I visited my friend at his college dormitory a few times and upon getting invited by a girl to sleep in her bed, I decided to break myself from the norm. As previously stated, I would usually go against what most guys would do in this situation (fuck), but I figured I could use a change of pace. I decided it was time to engage in some meaningless using of one's body.
So this girl and I had been hanging out for quite a bit in my friend's room, and during that time she made a decent enough impression of herself for me to be comfortable with her. We went up to her room and me being the aggressor, I milked the clock for three hours before any action began. We watched a lot of TV and talked a bit, but luckily we eventually started to make out. She then suddenly stopped kissing and stared me straight in the eyes for a full thirty seconds. I nervously asked, "What's up?"
Still staring she said, "It's times like these that I like to think about my life."
Good. Fucking. Job. We haven't even fucked yet and she's already quoting Plato.
I tried to move the conversation away from that great and philosophical statement of hers by playfully saying, "That whole kissing thing, don't stop that. That works."
With that, lots of kissing and grinding and bumping and scratching and coughing and occasional teeth encounters continued.
Unfortunately, our impromptu session was soon interrupted by another question from her. "So was this your grand plan all along?"
With the phrase "Oh shit" repeating over and over in my head I replied, "I believe it was you who invited me into your bed."
"That's right. I could just say you raped me," she replied creepily.
GREAT. FUCK. ING. JOB. Now I'm nervously smiling and losing my, ahem, desire. Noting my apparent discomfort, she continued, "But it's not rape if you giggle."
Was I supposed to be relieved by that? Well I wasn't, and all I could muster up was, "Tee hee."
Kissing commenced, as did thoughts of me in a courtroom in a simple "he said, she said" case that was to easily be in favor of the perfect actress (oh yeah, did I mention she was an actress?). I decided that for the remainder of the night, I should hump her leg like there was no tomorrow due to the impending lawsuit.
Fortunately for my manhood, there were no more statements from her of the psychotic nature that night. It was a trait of a woman I had hoped to never discover or encounter, and I consider myself blessed to have found that truly wonderful side. We never consummated our brief relationship and in fact, my pants stayed on all night (because I find sleeping in my clothes to be comfortable and convenient).
What made the night even better was that I kept waking up due to a cough like I was an 80-year-old asthmatic chain smoker, or maybe just the asthmatic part (I have asthma). However, each time I woke up, she was staring right at me. I'm convinced she never slept. When I woke in the morning, I was quick on the exit plan and made it home safely.
Fast-forward two weeks. I am on my way up to visit my friend at school again. After an awesome new episode of The Office, she invited me up to her room for the night again. A smart man would've said, "no", but I had left my sleeping bag at home (and any man who was thinking about the pain he would endure in the morning from sleeping on a dorm floor all night would say "yes" to that bed in a heartbeat).
We got upstairs to her room and things started off normally; it was all pretty familiar so laying in the bed wasn't such a big deal. As expected, the kissing began and I hoped for no crazy or awkward statements from her. Things took a different turn than last time and my pants actually came off. And by came off, I mean a slightly crazed girl violently tore them off without warning.
Now, I am no make-out pro, but here's my performance critique of that night:
1. When she asked if I liked biting, I simply thought she meant little, chipmunk-like nibbles. That was before she went all Mike Tyson on my ear lobe.
2. There's a line in a Sublime song that expresses it best: "I didn't know she had the G.I. Joe, Kung-Fu grip."
3. I don't know how frequently it should be done, but if she just had to shave there, then she should do it more frequently. It felt like I was putting my fingers between two cacti (the plural of cactus).
4. Lastly, she thought it was a good idea to ask me, "Will you think I am a whore if I do this?" without telling me what she was going to do first. If she had kissed me on the cheek and/or neck then I wouldn't quite have thought her to be one. However, when she gave a better blow job than I've seen in most porn videos where the girl was playing a whore, I couldn't help but think that it wasn't quite her first or second or third..ieth time.
After all kissing of any nature was done, and after she was done drinking from the love fountain, it was about four in the morning. This time I didn't have a cough to keep me up, and in the morning she told me about how I suck at sleeping because I apparently almost kicked her off the bed 20 times. She said no matter what she did I wouldn't wake up (I guess this happens when you spend your whole night staring at the other person). My guess is it probably had something to do with me being incredibly relaxed the night before after she had extracted her refreshments.
Moral of the story: The life of a college dorm resident is not a necessary part of life, although it is nice to visit your friends who are living it for you. Maybe getting to know a girl first before jumping in the sack is better than finding out that when she says she enjoys biting during making out, she means she enjoys biting. In addition, it's nice to know that she likes to:
- Think about her life as she is straddling a near stranger. Clearly, if that was her only chance all day to think about her life than she has a lot to think about.
- Tell the man that she is considering a lawsuit as she straddles him.
- Lastly, grip like she has a robot hand with no sense of pressure.
I have also learned that cacti are a great comparison for a stubbly vagina. I deduce that if you are curious about what a bare vagina is like, go shave a cactus.
Author's Note: Do not follow any of that advice regarding cacti. I live in a geographical area void of any real cacti and therefore my comparisons regarding cacti and vaginas are not scientifically proven…yet.
