The Numbers
by Willy
Many people say that the proof is in the pudding. Others say numbers don't lie. I don't have any fucking pudding.
I've heard that the average man will masturbate more than 2,000 times in his life. I find that number interesting. I also call that number a slow Tuesday.
A man approached me on the street today and offered to tell me about "God's new world". I was curious. "I am currently subscribed to the prior version, how much will it cost to upgrade? I won't be getting some shitty beta version will I?" The elderly man replied, "Eight bucks not including tax."
1. The number of dildos in the living room it takes to make grandma uncomfortable when she comes over for tea.
Jesus has risen from the dead 3 times. Once to make some dude named Tom look like an asshole. Another time to hang out with Mormons for reasons I have yet to understand. And the final time he came to wait in line for a copy of Grand Theft Auto 4.
3. The number of times I've questioned my own sexuality for getting a boner while watching the Daniel Craig movie L4yer Cake.
Jack Bauer, the occasionally legitimate federal agent on the Fox series 24, has a kill count of 186. That's over just 5 seasons.
By means of a very secret scientific method of calculation referred to as the "awesome index", I have deduced that Jack Bauer's cock would be 3 feet long, and his balls weigh 6 pounds each. He'd also require a second heart to pump the blood necessary to obtain an erection.
Whenever Jack Bauer achieves said meat missile, all women within a 10 mile radius are impregnated instantly. Luckily, Agent Bauer is rarely aroused as he spends close to 80 percent of any given day drowning kittens and punting infants for his own amusement. Were he real, his illegitimate children would number in the low thousands.
Many people in America drive Cadillac Escalades. 100% of them are absolute shit sandwiches with douche dressing on genetic skid mark bread.
Linkin Park has sold albums numbering in the tens of millions. Approximately 6 people will publically admit to being fans of said group.
The average American man can make love for about 2:30. This is also how long it takes to make the average bag of microwave popcorn. Coincidence? I think not.
Every time I meet a vegetarian I feel so dirty I go home and drink 2 meatshakes. It's a concoction made from 2 parts steak, 1 part pork chop, and 1 single chicken wing. Splash it with a syringe full of pure testosterone and human growth hormone and you've got yourself a tasty blender full of manliness. It's one of only two ways I know, to get that much awesome in liquid form. The other involved a botched trip to Shanghai and a minimum sentence served. Also, it is an acceptable substitute for diesel fuel.
80% of the dancers in I-Pod commercials would look like they have epilepsy if they were not in silhouette.
9 times out of 10, it is awkward when your guidance counselor touches your balls.
Hillary Clinton will be running for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination until January 9th, 2018.
There is a formula to evaluate the safety of a carnival ride. First, count the number of overweight people on the ride still eating, subtract that by the number of visible teeth in the ride operator's mouth, and multiply that by the number of times you hear a bolt crack. If your result is more than 8, you are totally fucked sideways riding a pogo stick.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that Power Bars taste like an asshole. The fifth dentist simply replied: "Tofurkey" and started frothing at the mouth.
Those are the numbers. Learn 'em, live 'em, love 'em.
