Work Sucks
Working sucks balls. Working sucks even bigger balls when it involves dealing with the public. Those bastards. For those of us who aren’t trust fund babies, serving the public is a right of passage. Before we can become advertising executives, lawyers, doctors and accountants, we must flip burgers, get a penny tip on a $100 bill and smile when some asshole tells us we’re a worthless piece of shit. Life is awesome like that.
Me? I worked at Only A Dollar where my ghetto co-workers told me to "stop dressin' so nice" – mind you, I shop at the Gap – and every two seconds I had to assure some toothless waste of life that, "Yes. It costs a dollar. Only a dollar. It’s the dollar store. It costs a fucking dollar." I worked at a historic mansion where I gave tours to people who asked me really well thought out questions like: "How much does the house weigh?" and "Are there any stuffed birds in this house? I won’t come in. I am terrified of stuffed birds." However, the job I’ve had the longest and come to love/hate the most is being a professional ice cream scooper at Ben & Jerry’s.
Let me preface this whole thing by saying that I love Ben & Jerry’s. Seriously. They are an awesome company to work for, I get tons of free ice cream and Jerry even let me interview him for a school video project. This company is flat out erection-inducing. Unfortunately, the Ben & Jerry’s I work at is in the middle of vacation country. Tourists from all over the world visit my store to ask asinine questions and make my brain bleed. I am truly blessed. People ask and tell me the dumbest shit and they don’t even realize they’re doing it. So, to save you time and embarrassment, I have created a list of things that you should never do or say in Ben & Jerry’s. If you do/say these things, every scooper there will hate you.
1. Don't tell me about your trip to the factory.
Congratulations. For some unknown reason, you decided to take a vacation
to Vermont and visit an ice cream factory. Forget about other desirable
vacation destinations where the climate is warm and the girls are easy
– you chose Vermont!
The fact that you’ve been to the factory does not make you special or
better than me. I’ve been there too. But ya know what? I went because
my boss took us on a free trip, I was 16 years old and it relates to my
job. You went there because you are fat.
2. Don’t ask where the spoons and napkins are.
Look around. They’re right in front of your fucking face. I swear to God
you will see them if you take in your surroundings for 2.5 seconds.
3. Don’t ask me what’s in a flavor and then cut me off mid description
when I say something you don’t think is tasty.
You asked me what was in the flavor, so be a decent human being and LET
ME FINISH. Don’t hush me. You’re not my mother. This happens most often
with the flavor Chunky Monkey. You ask what it is because you think the
name is so damn silly, and as soon as I say "It’s a banana ice cream with...",
you go "Oh God, no no. Stop, stop." Don’t act like I just told you it’s
feces flavored ice cream. I can, however, arrange for that.
4. Don’t walk in and say "So, which one of you is Ben and which
one of you is Jerry?"
Least funny "joke" of all time. You’re not the first person to say it
and you won’t be the last. How about I’ll scoop the ice cream, you eat
it and we’ll leave the joke making to hilarious comedians like Whoopi
Goldberg and Robin Williams. Or whatever. You get the idea.
5. Do not ask me what is in Vanilla, Chocolate Fudge Brownie,
Vanilla Fudge Chip or any other flavors with obvious names.
I’ll give you one guess as to what is in those flavors and then I will
rape you with my scoop. Use your brain for two seconds.
6. Do not mention anything regarding the waffle cones.
You are more than welcome to order a waffle cone, but do not say anything
else about them. Do not walk in the store and stare at me while I make
them. It’s not that amazing. I’m putting batter in a waffle iron and then
rolling it up into a cone. WOW!!!!!! Don’t walk in and ask what smells
so good. You see me making the cones. Don’t ask if I’m making cookies/brownies/cake/calamari
(yes, someone seriously asked that once). THEY ARE WAFFLE CONES. Don’t
ask for a "freshly baked cone" when there is a huge case full of cones
and it’s obvious that no one is making any cones at the moment. If you
want a warm cone that badly, I will take a nice warm dump in it for you.
7. Don’t expect me to know what you want.
People who know how to properly order ice cream make up a very small percentage
of the population. Before you order, decide what flavor and size you want
and whether or not you want it in a cup or cone. Do not just walk up to
me and say "New York Super Fudge Chunk." How am I supposed to know how
much you want to eat and whether or not you’re physically capable of handling
a cone instead of a cup? I don’t know these things. Also, don’t tell me
to “surprise” you with a flavor. Just tell me what you want. If you tell
me to surprise you, I will give you the nastiest combination of flavors
on purpose.
8. Don’t tell me you like my shirt.
Chances are my shirt is tie-dyed, covered in pictures of cows or is just
unattractive in general. You don’t really like my shirt, nor would you
ever wear it yourself. If you really do like my shirt, don’t tell me.
I won’t believe you and I’ll hate you.
9. Don’t read the entire menu to your kids.
No matter how many flavors you tell them about, the kid is always going
to get chocolate, vanilla or chocolate chip cookie dough. They are also
going to ask you for the biggest size and every topping we offer. They’re
not going to eat it all and this ice cream is too expensive to humor them.
Only tell them about the previous three flavors and just get a kid size.
Maybe some sprinkles. Maybe. God, kids
suck.
10. Don’t huddle in the doorway until you’re ready to order.
Yes, I know ordering ice cream can be very scary, but come the fuck inside
and act like a normal human being. Say hello back when I greet you and
walk up to the counter to make your decision. I’m not going to force you
into anything, you can take as long as you want and I will not judge -
but don’t take two steps through the door, stand there and act like you
can’t hear me when I speak to you. You’re blocking the entrance to a business,
thus preventing me from making money off of other fat idiots. You also
look like a fuck face.
I could probably keep going all day, but I’ll leave the list at ten. Keep these things in mind the next time you decide you "NEED" ice cream. That being said, I know you probably have a few things to tell everyone else about YOUR job. Whether you’re a waiter, concession stand worker or bowling alley attendant, I know there are some things that piss you off. TELL US ABOUT IT! Write your own article about your job and let us know what we should be aware of – believe me when I say it’s more than therapeutic. Drop us a line at myfakeleg@gmail.com!
