Go To Hell Sonic
It’s kind of like trying to get a snapshot of Bigfoot. Maybe it’s more like snagging a mermaid. Better yet, trying to find a Sonic Burger is akin to finding a beautiful lesbian…who isn‘t getting paid to be one. I give up already. You play these little mind games with me like you’re right around the corner waiting for my business and yet I’m always left disappointed when there‘s no signs to be found or drive-thrus to be, um, driven through. Ever heard of blue balls? Well, this place gives people blue mouth. Sonic Burger is the hot girl at the bar you finally get the stones to talk to and you hit it off and think you’re making some headway until she drops the, “Yea, my boyfriend and I love coming here” line.
Who do you have working on your advertising campaign? According to your store locator, I live roughly SIX ENTIRE STATES away from the closest Sonic Burger. But oh no, that hasn’t stopped the Sonic Burger ad wizards from buying precious commercial time to televise that they just introduced some heart attack inducing omelette. I guess you just enjoy throwing money down the toilet seeing as here in New England, anything over 20 minutes away is considered an overnighter and usually not worth our time. Either that or somehow you believe that by broadcasting shitty commercials, we will be so enthralled by your product(s) that we’ll willingly bypass all of the other giant fast food chains in order to hit up yours.
Now honestly, how many ways can you cook up a hamburger--especially one that’s from a fast food joint? My first job was at a fast food “restaurant” when I was 14 and everything comes in off a huge truck already cooked and frozen. We just heated that shit up and threw it in a bag for you. If you were lucky we washed our hands before doing so; but regardless, what makes you think I’d drive approximately 8 hours to eat at your establishment? Just for kicks, I arbitrarily came up with 8 hours seeing as the official website won’t even let me input what state I live in to find out how to get to their closest restaurant. Why? Because you can only locate a specific Sonic if there’s one in that respective state.
As a second point of contention, if you’re going to broadcast in regions that don’t carry your products, at least produce humorous, semi-watchable commercials. As if it wasn’t enough to show ads for things we can’t get, you have the balls to insult us with horrible acting and a crappy slogan. If you’re one of the lucky few that haven’t had to sit through a Sonic commercial, I’ll give you a quick example:
FADE IN
Location: Inside of a cheap European hatchback or bland American minivan after going through a Sonic Drive-Thru.
Balding Guy #1: “Wow, these (insert food product) are amazing! This is the best invention since the wheel!”
Balding Guy #2: “You’re right. This is better than (insert poorly written one-liner). It makes me want to have sex with a giraffe!”
(Punching sound as camera freezes on the two guys mid-action with huge red block letters announcing that Sonic offers what their competitors do not)
FADE OUT
I may or may not have made that last part up but either way you see how unoriginal their ideas are. No scary royal figures or red-haired clowns talking to children. No famous spokesperson. Just two thirty something, single, balding guys trading ridiculous analogies while presumably driving their parents vehicle. The worst part is the punching noise made while the text “hits” the screen at the end of the ad as if Sonic food is somehow extreme and edgy. You sell hamburgers, fries, and from what I’ve heard, some slushy/fruity drinks. That’s about as extreme as sleeping on a couch compared to a bed. I hate you Sonic, stop advertising here.
